Monday, October 3, 2011

SRS post is SRS

I may have a few serious posts this month, so please bear with me.  In these posts, you will be learning a little bit more about me and things I rarely open up about.  I've learned in the past that talking/discussing/venting is therapeutic.  Also, I apologize if this post goes back & forth a lot....I've only had 3 hours of sleep & thought it would be a good time to draft this post at 3:30am.

A few days ago I was feeling just kinda blah & down.  I wasn't really sure why.  The next day it hit me like a ton of bricks.  A year ago I lost a cousin to suicide.  I'm not going to go into complete detail about it, but I will say a few things.

It hit our family really hard.  I knew someone in high school who committed suicide but I wasn't really friends with him.  Growing up, my cousin was more like a brother to me.  We were extremely close.  I stayed at their house all the, him, and his brother would help out with the horses, ride bikes. etc.  They taught me how to defend myself, how to jump bike ramps, all sorts of other things.  They never took it easy on me either.  We would play tackle football in shorts on the grass.

As I got older in high school I didn't really see them as much as I got busy with AFJROTC and sports.  But afterwards, I'd run into my cousin all the time at the bar I frequented.  He was much taller than I am, so it was hard for me to miss him & people couldn't really believe we were related until they looked at our skin/hair.  We still hung out and even went out a few times together.  Because we're both tattoo'd and pierced (he even pierced my tongue), we always kinda felt like the black sheep of the family.  There were other reasons we felt that way too.  But it only made us closer.

He once told me he was like a redneck trapped in a freaks body.  He always cracked me up.  One of his favorite sayings was "Don't sweat petty things. . . .pet sweaty things".  He even had a tattoo on his chest that read "Phil's Good".  I never asked him what he actually meant by that, but I always took it as either he's good or feels good.  Knowing him, it was probably both.

Now to some seriousness for a minute.  If you're depressed or have thoughts, don't EVER feel like you're alone.  You're not.  I've battled depression off and on most of my life, but I've sought out help and learned how to manage it without medication or hurting myself.  You're not weak for getting help.  You're not weak for needing medication.  You're never alone.  There is always someone who's been there or who can help.  Suicide only causes more problems and doesn't solve anything.

Also, if you know someone who is battling depression, don't hesitate to reach out.  You never know how bad it may be.  There are a ton of websites with info on suicide awareness and prevention.  Just a few are,, and They also list warning signs, ways to help, and provide phone numbers to get help. 

I am in no way a licensed professional, but I can say that as most websites, medicines, and doctors will say that as with any medication do not stop taking it without first speaking with your doctor.  This is just one of many of the triggers of suicidal thoughts.  I, myself, stopped taking anti-depressants years ago cold turkey.  Mainly because they made me feel worse than not taking them at all.  I felt like a zombie.  None of the alternatives that the doctors gave me at that time made things any better.  So, I quit taking them and learned how to cope.  While I did completely stop seeing a professional, I didn't stop talking.  I confided in family and friends.  This is how I deal.  It doesn't work for everyone and some people do require medication.  I just feel it's not for me, but I have no shame about asking for help when I need it.  Especially since I have a wonderful child that I have to be here for every day.  He deserves the best that I can give him and nothing less. 

Only a professional can advise you what form of therapy can and will work for you.  I followed the advise of professionals and I'm better.  Drinking, doing drugs, shopping, etc. are not good forms of therapy.  The good feelings don't last long and are not going to go away if behavior like that is repeated. 

Now back to my cousin.  I know it's not my fault, and I don't blame myself, but I really wish I'd reached out when I saw the slightest hint of a sign.  I can't and won't dwell on it.  I know I have an angel looking over me just like he always has in life.  And when I get the funds I plan to get a tattoo in his honor.  I'm still waiting on a finished drawing of it from one of my cousins so I won't post the rough draft yet.  What I will do is share a few photo's of me and my cousin.

 When I was 16....we were visiting my grandparents & I watched him washing his new car.  My hair was pulled back.  I still LoL at the socks/sandals.

This was our Christmas get together at the grandparents.  I think most of the pics my Granny ever took were of me with a Coke in my hand.  Even though I was 21 in this pic, I would not drink in front of her.  I have to laugh at this pic because I'm sitting on a Bulldog pillow on his lap because his legs were so boney.  I now have that pillow that belonged to my Granny.  :D

I'll end todays post by saying thank you for taking the time reading my rambles.  I am not suicidal nor depressed.  I just wanted to share my story and spread some awareness.



  1. Thank you. And I'm sorry that you're missing someone you love as a result of depression. I can relate. And this post just happened to fall in my lap coincidentally at a time when I could use a little encouragement. It takes a lot of courage to open up like this so thanks again.

  2. This is so touching. Thank you for sharing this. So many people suffer with depression, including myself, and it's great to see someone overcoming the obstacles you have. *hugs* you got a guardian angel watching over you.

  3. Thanks ladies. :D

    I've had numerous things happen in my life that've contributed to my depression, but fortunately have a wonderful family who's always there to listen and just be there. I don't open up much so this is just a small peek.

  4. Thanks for sharing! You have and will touch so many!

  5. Thank you for being brave and sharing this - suicide is a super hard topic (my dad, a friend who was like a brother and my cousin all took this route). It hurts so bad, but knowing that others are battling through these feelings does help (not that I'd wish this one anyone ever). Thanks so much for using your blog as a platform for awareness. You just never know when that one person will read this and finally find solace. Now to go wash away the tears...


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